Holy Sh!tballs, It's been a long time

Wow..... three years since I have been on here. I looked back at my first few posts, and I saw the blackberry torch phone ordeal. Well, let me tell you, that phone was an abortion and the beginning of the end for blackberry I think. Nine months after that I bought it out and went to an iPhone so that I didn't have to deal with it. Now I've changed again to the Galaxy S4, and I love it. On the job front, about 7 months after my last post, we were told that our agency was closing. 4 months later, my house closed, and I was moved to day program. 1 year later, I was unemployed. I spent just under a year (362 days to be exact) not working full time in CYW, and in that time, I finished my BA, started an addictions program (counsellor, not addict lol), and worked part time at Michael's craft store. Recently, as in this week, I obtained a full time job that will be starting soon, and I am looking forward to it. Oh, and I got a dog. It was my Christmas present to myself. LOL. Gizmo is the sweetest little dog, and I love her to pieces. She's a little mutt, and she is perfect.

F@ck It

I have just about had it with work.... It is getting to the point where I am starting to feel harrassed. I work nights in a treatment home, and for the first time since we opened we have had some problems with kids being in each others rooms. The first time the kids were caught on my shift. Since then it has happened twice more, but on the afternoon shift. Even so, apparently I am being asked questions about documentation and procedure...... Not the other shifts, like when it happens most. I think its just because I am on nights, and the boss thinks I need to be doing more. I'm sorry? I already clean up after everyone, cook their fucking meals, and make sure that the kids live through the night... Not to mention having to be the photocopying bitch, menu planner and garbage cleaner because we're too fucking cheap to get proper garbage cans that keep raccoons out. Oh, and did I mention that I work full time nights? This means I give up a healthy life cycle and sleep to do it..... Well not anymore. I can't and won't take it anymore. I'm going to go and take some time off and find a new job, that I am happier with, and appreciates me and what I do, not ask stupid questions and make assumptions as to how I use the time.

Fuck this.

Well.....

So I have been doing very well with the exercise; at least once a week to the gym, and at least 4 swims a week. I think that I can keep that up. It's been three weeks, and I've managed. Fridays and Saturdays are hard because there is no pool on Friday that I can get to, and Saturday is shot because of the nights rotation, and all pools are adult swim at noon. I think that I might make Friday and Saturday gym days, and take Monday's off. I can go to the gym Friday evening, and then Anytime on Saturday, so that's easy; and since I pay for a membership, I might as well use it, right?

I'm sitting at work and choosing to open with that because otherwise, I might have to just rip someone's head off, and use it to make patterns on the walls. People don't respect polite societal cues, so I sometimes just have to let loose.

Tell me; what would you do if you saw something that was clearly labelled for another purpose? Well the people that I work with seem to think it means to use it in whatever means they see fit anyways. It really gets on my nerves. So I left a scathing note that says that the next time this happens, night staff will not be making snacks for the next day anymore. It is ridiculous. I don't go and use everything that they need for their shift, so why should it be allowed in reverse?

What I really need to do is find a new job closer to home, during daylight hours. I think that this would greatly increase my already sunny disposition tenfold. I would have more time to look after me, and spend less money on gas and car to boot. Everywhere I look, I can't seem to find anything that is suitable to me. It either pays way too little, or is asking for qualifications that I don't have. I guess the key is to keep plugging away at it all, and eventually it will pay off.

Thank God I'm deciding to go for a massage soon and looking into going regularly, as well as returning to the chiropractor. I think my body would implode if I didn't :)

Exercise

Ok, so for anyone who knows me, they know I am no Olympian chomping at the bit to win the gold. In reality, just watching the Olympics makes me tired. I know that I need to exercise more, eat right and quit smoking, but it really isn't that easy. I have tried diets, exercise plans, and even starvation once in college (not by choice but necessity) to no avail. But lately I have been thinking about it more and more, and I realize that I don't want my life to become a TLC special. So this time I am going into it full force. No cigarettes, more healthy food choices, and loads of exercise. Yesterday I went for a walk and a bike ride, today the gym, and tomorrow will be swimming. My friend Trish and I are going to commit to swim Tues and Thurs, and a bike ride on Sunday (with a swim being an option for poor weather or wintertime). Scott and I went to the gym today and it as good, other than my Romy & Michelle moment where I got blisters on my heels; one of which ripped and bled into my nice clean white gym shoe....... Fack!

This time I am committing to staying on track. Will I go every time for my workouts? Not likely. Will I have a cigarette? Most likely. The difference is that this time I am not going to see these things as failures, but as obstacles in the steps to becoming a new me.

Time to go get ready for work and start planning my menu for the week.

Jesus and ferrets

Sometimes work makes me giggle. Jesus and ferrets came up in shift change tonight and I had a good laugh. I have decided that similar to "42", this phrase can be used as the answer to everything....

I was going to write about something else as well, but Jesus and ferrets made me laugh again, and I forgot my topic.

Peace, love, Jesus & ferrets!

What to do, what to do....

So I recently decided that it was time for some changes and began looking for work closer to home. I had an interview for a full time job and a part time job... I haven't heard back from the part time, but I did not get the full time one. I'm not sure what I want in life, but I know that what I have right now is not it. There are so many variables that I get sleepy just thinking of them.

I think that I need a vacation though it will be september at the earliest before I can do that. Until then I have a number of things that I need/want to do;

Lose weight
Quit smoking
Clean my house from top to bottom
Finish my garden
Cook more at home
Find a new job that isn't nights

Those are just at the top of the list.......where do I begin?

New Phone And True Blood

So I decided to upgrade my phone..... Which turned out to be an almost nightmare, though in reality netted me a new phone and a better plan for less money... Bell is such a corrupt and morally bankrupt company..... They overcharge for all their services, which are subpar at best... I had to threaten to cancel everything just to get my new phone as they had changed my corporate plan without telling me.....grrr.

Anyways, I got the blackberry torch, and its cool.. The touch screen keyboard takes some getting used to, but the phone is faster, better and has a bigger screen. Let's see if I still like it in a month!

Not sure how I felt about True Blood tonight... The story lines are getting more and more strange, and there are so many new characters... Hopefully the decision to branch out from the books isn't making this awesome show jump the shark....

PS- bring back United States Of Tara :)

Why did I?

I often wonder as of late why I do the work I do. I am a child and youth worker, but I extremely dislike children. Perhaps it is due to the settings I've worked, or my overall lack of child exposure outside of work. I love my friend's kids, but even then I'm sometimes not comfortable around them. I think a lot of it is due to my occupation, and that if I were to do something else or work in an environment that I feel more refreshed and dedicated in, I would have a different opinion. Any thoughts?

Working

I'm wondering if anyone else is in the same position as me. I used to love my job, because it was a great place to work, filled with great people and a sense of meaning. I still have the great people for the most part, but I don't feel that it is a great place anymore, or that there is a sense of meaning to the work. Maybe this is just a side effect or symptom of depression, because I know that I am feeling a little down lately, or if there really is a shift in the workplace. I think that it is a combination of the two, which only highlights how different rings are at this time.

Perhaps it's just me. Im coming up to three years in the position, which is the longest that I have remained in the same position. I think I'm one of those people who needs a regular job change to keep me interested and invested. Or maybe I'm making much out of nothing.....

"I hope there's a light at the end of my tunnel, not just a flickering bulb." - YR

Weeds

So I'm sitting here at work watching Weeds with a co-worker. I haven't seen much of it lately, other than season 6, which I now realize is not as good as the earlier seasons. Doug has the best lines in season 4, like "cock juggling thundercunt" and "cockamole on her faceadilla". I think that this needs to be my next re-watch......

Biscotti

I never used to like biscotti. It always tasted like a stale cookie to me, until about a year ago. All of a sudden, I love the stuff. What I don't love is paying for it. Thus, I decided to make my own. I looked online, and found an easy recipe, which is currently in progress in my kitchen. It's a super duper chocolate one (I prefer cranberry, etc) but for a first time it seemed easy. Cross your fingers!

A Long Time

I see that it's been a long time since I posted anything on here, and to be brutally honest, I forgot about this site until I posted a comment on a friend's blog, and I signed in with my google account. After commenting, I ended up here. I looked at my previous posts, and though I now view it all as laughable, I believe that there is some therapeutic validity to blogging. (FYI - I made it to year 8, and I am happy...... Since that post, I got permanent at my work, and have been to Florida and the Dominican lol).

I would like to get back into this, but I always feel that I don't have the time.... Yet I can play stupid Cityville for hours.... What would be more rewarding and a better use of my time?

L8s

Seven Year Itch

I am not sure what it is, but I have felt stagnant within my relationship for the last few months. I love my other half, and I would never ever cheat on him; but I find myself looking at other guys, and I have even checked out some of the chub/chaser sites. I would be a chub, just so all are aware. I don't even know why I am looking at these things. Maybe I am looking for some sort of lacking friendship. I really only have one gay friend, and we work such conflicting schedules that I hardly ever see him. I wonder if it is a predisposition that made me title this the 7 year itch, or if the phenomenon is actually true. My partner and I met 7 years ago this month, and we "celebrate" our 7 year anniversary at the end of May.

Maybe we need to go away. Both of us are saying that we need a vacation; but I get no paid time off, and he's hit a slump at work, and is not making a lot right now. It always seems to be the way, but you know, it just might be worth the ding on the VISA for a bit.

Also, I have been having a hard time sleeping lately. I need to take something just to fall asleep. I am starting to think that since I turned 30, caffeine actually does something to/for me now. Hard to say really; it could be the shift work I do, the things that are on my mind all the time lately (7 year itch, wanting to change my life, etc).

Speaking of, it is really late and I start days on Monday, so I am cutting this short.

L8r

So the moment passed

So I didn't end up coming out to my sister. The conversation moved to a different place, and I ended up keeping it to myself. That doesn't mean that it won't come out later though..... Anyways, I have bigger fish to fry right now anyways. I have so much to think about and do over the next few days. I have several jobs that I am going to apply for, because I feel that things are going to get ugly at my current job. All I will say is why mess with a good thing??????? Whatever. The other stuff is all getting my house in order and getting rid of stuff. I have waaaayyy too much, and I need to downsize. I went through my clothes the other day and got rid of two huge garbage bags that I took to Value Village. It felt almost therapeutic. If I can get myself on a roll, then nothing will stop me! (Like a Toyota)

Long time, no post

So there are a few things of note since my last post. I turned thirty, made a sudden decision that I am going to clean up my life (I'm a borderline hoarder.....), and right now I am sitting in my sister's apartment contemplating coming out to her..... That's right, the same sister that I came out to 13 years ago. The difference is that she has learned a lot since then, and had a lot more exposure to gay people. Maybe I'll add to this post later, but thought that I would put this much out there at least right now.....

Walmart

So after my training yesterday, I opted to stop at Walmart on my way home. I walked through the store for a while, looking at many things, and I picked up some card stock and an ankle support; as my ankle has been killing me lately. I eventually made it to the cash, where I was behind a lady purchasing a couch. When she was finished, the cashier rang my items through. I paid, got my receipt and went to take my items. They were not there. Apparently they went with the lady that bought the couch. The cashier was excellent, apologizing and called for the CSM. The CSM arrived after the standard two to three calls via P.A. and a five minute wait. When the cashier explained what happened, the CSM asked if I had a receipt. Well, of course I have a receipt you idiot. I just bought the items, and didn't leave the line, let alone the store. Then the CSM told me to go and get my items again, and then bring them to the cash to compare to the receipt. I did it, only because my ankle was killing me, and I wanted to go home. When I got home, I wrote a scathing email to Walmart that included the phrase "shop somewhere where people are more important than corporate greed."

So Walmart just phoned me (less than 24 hours later), and I spoke to a very nice woman on the phone, who apologized. Now, since I really don't like conflict, I was very nice in return. (Don't get me wrong, I got my point across). I told her that the cashier was great, and although the CSM was friendly, her approach was not the best. What if I couldn't walk to get the stuff again? She didn't ask or anything. Given the time and place that we live in, you cannot just assume that I am ok to do this all over again. The rep from Walmart on the phone completely agreed, and said that this would be presented to the whole team, and not just the CSM involved. I was slightly relieved, because I wouldn't want to get one person in so much trouble over such a minor thing. Although it may not be minor to a 75 year old with a bad knee or hip. Hopefully this improves the experience for everyone at this particular Walmart.

Thoughts

So I awoke early this morning, so that I could ensure that I could go to Fran's and have breakfast. I went and ate, and then returned to the hotel with plenty of time to spare. I thought hey, why don't I make a blog? Again. I had written the previous post (Social Distortion) last night as just a way of getting things out, and thought that I should really put an effort into trying to stay on top of it. So, again, I decided to publish a blog.

I wonder if my friends or family will ever see this or not. I am not worried about friends, as whatever, but I am still not "out" to my family. I am sure that they assume, and have felt that way for some time, but there is no verification or denial for them to work with.

I have decided that I really don't care. As I near thirty, I realize that I live in an age where who you are is not who you sleep with, so I am not overly concerned if someone stumbles upon my secret. I know; all of you out and prouders think that it's shameful that I don't tell my family, and to you, I say FUCK OFF! They are my family, and if I want to tell them; it is MY decision. Not yours. I recently had someone tell me that they met someone who wouldn't go out with them because they are still closeted. Get off your fucking high horse! Just because your family is warm and accepting and tickles each other until they throw up on a regular basis does not mean that everyone else's is. Respect that, or get lost.

Anyways, my time in TO is drawing to a close, and I still have to pack everything away nice and neat so I can check out. Hope you liked the rant.

Social Distortion

I recently attended a training session which required me to spend a night alone in downtown Toronto. There were no friends available for me to go out with, and I felt that going to the bar and hanging out there would be virtually cheating on my boyfriend. As a larger than your average gay, I know that the majority of gay men are not going to fawn over me, so I usually don't pay a whole lot of attention to others, except when I see a nicely packaged ass in a pair of jeans, or a well put together man with what I like to call butter eyes. By this, I mean that when your eyes meet, they have the power to turn you to butter. There are not many of those in the world, but I seem to find a lot of them.

Back to the point. While I was out and about all on my own, I decided to walk through the village and surrounding area. I had made up my mind that I would be dining at Zelda's for dinner, as I have always made them a stop on any TO tour that is even remotely close to the village. Here is where the story gets interesting.

I have a delightful server, who attends to me right away. When asked for my beverage order, I remembered a drink that I had there previously, but could not remember what it was called. My server went out of his way to try and help me figure this out, and eventually suggested a drink that sounded similar. When in Rome, so they say, so I said “sound's good.” While it was not the drink I was thinking of, it was good. I did remember the drinks later on; Ursula's Hiatus, and Screaming Queen; for those of you wanting to know.

While I was dining, I looked around a lot, since I was alone. I felt awkward every time that I looked in the direction of my server, because he always seemed to be looking at me, and whenever we made eye contact and he was nearby, he would ask if all was OK. I know that he really wasn't looking at me, but at the street, as I was sitting in front of the window. My point is that I was so uncomfortable within myself, that I felt that I should just leave. I wonder if anyone else has this feeling on a regular basis?

Later in the evening, I ventured out of the hotel again; this time in search of a chocolate fix. I opted to again go through the village, as I am familiar with the area, and can satisfy my sweet tooth for eye candy. As I passed Flatirons, I thought that I would take a look at what they had, as I really do enjoy looking at all of the campy items that one can accumulate by going to such a store.

I was the only customer in the place, and the clerk was a few years older than I. Possibly 8-10 years if we want to get right to it. He was quite friendly and at first seemed to come on a little strong. I thought for sure that I would not be able to leave until I purchased an entire set of miniatures from The Wizard of Oz, or the entire set of December Diamonds, but luckily, the phone rang. I continued to peruse the store, and I realized they carried a brand of shirt that I have always wanted, but not the size that I wished. I asked the clerk, who introduced himself as Mike, if he had any other sizes in this particular garment. Well, this lead to a ten or fifteen minute dialogue that at one point turned almost flirtatious. I knew that I needed to be wary of my words, as I really have no intention of pursuing anything with anyone other than my other half, but I thought what the hell. Normally I would have done my best to end the conversation and make an exit asap, but this time I played along for a bit, joking about the slogans on the shirts and how they could be taken several different ways.

Finally, I decided that it was time to go. What I should have done was excuse myself and leave, but I felt guilty for not buying anything, as I had been there for about half and hour. The shirt I really wanted was one size smaller than I would normally buy, but it looked a little big. I know better than anyone that if it is not the right size, it is not going to fit, but I bought it anyway.

Is it my lack of experience in the gay scene that causes these awkward social moments for me? Is it my physical shape (round)? Or is simply neurosis that causes me to over analyze every situation I encounter, and make into some sort of issue? If you can figure it out, let me know.