I recently attended a training session which required me to spend a night alone in downtown Toronto. There were no friends available for me to go out with, and I felt that going to the bar and hanging out there would be virtually cheating on my boyfriend. As a larger than your average gay, I know that the majority of gay men are not going to fawn over me, so I usually don't pay a whole lot of attention to others, except when I see a nicely packaged ass in a pair of jeans, or a well put together man with what I like to call butter eyes. By this, I mean that when your eyes meet, they have the power to turn you to butter. There are not many of those in the world, but I seem to find a lot of them.
Back to the point. While I was out and about all on my own, I decided to walk through the village and surrounding area. I had made up my mind that I would be dining at Zelda's for dinner, as I have always made them a stop on any TO tour that is even remotely close to the village. Here is where the story gets interesting.
I have a delightful server, who attends to me right away. When asked for my beverage order, I remembered a drink that I had there previously, but could not remember what it was called. My server went out of his way to try and help me figure this out, and eventually suggested a drink that sounded similar. When in Rome, so they say, so I said “sound's good.” While it was not the drink I was thinking of, it was good. I did remember the drinks later on; Ursula's Hiatus, and Screaming Queen; for those of you wanting to know.
While I was dining, I looked around a lot, since I was alone. I felt awkward every time that I looked in the direction of my server, because he always seemed to be looking at me, and whenever we made eye contact and he was nearby, he would ask if all was OK. I know that he really wasn't looking at me, but at the street, as I was sitting in front of the window. My point is that I was so uncomfortable within myself, that I felt that I should just leave. I wonder if anyone else has this feeling on a regular basis?
Later in the evening, I ventured out of the hotel again; this time in search of a chocolate fix. I opted to again go through the village, as I am familiar with the area, and can satisfy my sweet tooth for eye candy. As I passed Flatirons, I thought that I would take a look at what they had, as I really do enjoy looking at all of the campy items that one can accumulate by going to such a store.
I was the only customer in the place, and the clerk was a few years older than I. Possibly 8-10 years if we want to get right to it. He was quite friendly and at first seemed to come on a little strong. I thought for sure that I would not be able to leave until I purchased an entire set of miniatures from The Wizard of Oz, or the entire set of December Diamonds, but luckily, the phone rang. I continued to peruse the store, and I realized they carried a brand of shirt that I have always wanted, but not the size that I wished. I asked the clerk, who introduced himself as Mike, if he had any other sizes in this particular garment. Well, this lead to a ten or fifteen minute dialogue that at one point turned almost flirtatious. I knew that I needed to be wary of my words, as I really have no intention of pursuing anything with anyone other than my other half, but I thought what the hell. Normally I would have done my best to end the conversation and make an exit asap, but this time I played along for a bit, joking about the slogans on the shirts and how they could be taken several different ways.
Finally, I decided that it was time to go. What I should have done was excuse myself and leave, but I felt guilty for not buying anything, as I had been there for about half and hour. The shirt I really wanted was one size smaller than I would normally buy, but it looked a little big. I know better than anyone that if it is not the right size, it is not going to fit, but I bought it anyway.
Is it my lack of experience in the gay scene that causes these awkward social moments for me? Is it my physical shape (round)? Or is simply neurosis that causes me to over analyze every situation I encounter, and make into some sort of issue? If you can figure it out, let me know.
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