Seven Year Itch

I am not sure what it is, but I have felt stagnant within my relationship for the last few months. I love my other half, and I would never ever cheat on him; but I find myself looking at other guys, and I have even checked out some of the chub/chaser sites. I would be a chub, just so all are aware. I don't even know why I am looking at these things. Maybe I am looking for some sort of lacking friendship. I really only have one gay friend, and we work such conflicting schedules that I hardly ever see him. I wonder if it is a predisposition that made me title this the 7 year itch, or if the phenomenon is actually true. My partner and I met 7 years ago this month, and we "celebrate" our 7 year anniversary at the end of May.

Maybe we need to go away. Both of us are saying that we need a vacation; but I get no paid time off, and he's hit a slump at work, and is not making a lot right now. It always seems to be the way, but you know, it just might be worth the ding on the VISA for a bit.

Also, I have been having a hard time sleeping lately. I need to take something just to fall asleep. I am starting to think that since I turned 30, caffeine actually does something to/for me now. Hard to say really; it could be the shift work I do, the things that are on my mind all the time lately (7 year itch, wanting to change my life, etc).

Speaking of, it is really late and I start days on Monday, so I am cutting this short.

L8r

So the moment passed

So I didn't end up coming out to my sister. The conversation moved to a different place, and I ended up keeping it to myself. That doesn't mean that it won't come out later though..... Anyways, I have bigger fish to fry right now anyways. I have so much to think about and do over the next few days. I have several jobs that I am going to apply for, because I feel that things are going to get ugly at my current job. All I will say is why mess with a good thing??????? Whatever. The other stuff is all getting my house in order and getting rid of stuff. I have waaaayyy too much, and I need to downsize. I went through my clothes the other day and got rid of two huge garbage bags that I took to Value Village. It felt almost therapeutic. If I can get myself on a roll, then nothing will stop me! (Like a Toyota)

Long time, no post

So there are a few things of note since my last post. I turned thirty, made a sudden decision that I am going to clean up my life (I'm a borderline hoarder.....), and right now I am sitting in my sister's apartment contemplating coming out to her..... That's right, the same sister that I came out to 13 years ago. The difference is that she has learned a lot since then, and had a lot more exposure to gay people. Maybe I'll add to this post later, but thought that I would put this much out there at least right now.....

Walmart

So after my training yesterday, I opted to stop at Walmart on my way home. I walked through the store for a while, looking at many things, and I picked up some card stock and an ankle support; as my ankle has been killing me lately. I eventually made it to the cash, where I was behind a lady purchasing a couch. When she was finished, the cashier rang my items through. I paid, got my receipt and went to take my items. They were not there. Apparently they went with the lady that bought the couch. The cashier was excellent, apologizing and called for the CSM. The CSM arrived after the standard two to three calls via P.A. and a five minute wait. When the cashier explained what happened, the CSM asked if I had a receipt. Well, of course I have a receipt you idiot. I just bought the items, and didn't leave the line, let alone the store. Then the CSM told me to go and get my items again, and then bring them to the cash to compare to the receipt. I did it, only because my ankle was killing me, and I wanted to go home. When I got home, I wrote a scathing email to Walmart that included the phrase "shop somewhere where people are more important than corporate greed."

So Walmart just phoned me (less than 24 hours later), and I spoke to a very nice woman on the phone, who apologized. Now, since I really don't like conflict, I was very nice in return. (Don't get me wrong, I got my point across). I told her that the cashier was great, and although the CSM was friendly, her approach was not the best. What if I couldn't walk to get the stuff again? She didn't ask or anything. Given the time and place that we live in, you cannot just assume that I am ok to do this all over again. The rep from Walmart on the phone completely agreed, and said that this would be presented to the whole team, and not just the CSM involved. I was slightly relieved, because I wouldn't want to get one person in so much trouble over such a minor thing. Although it may not be minor to a 75 year old with a bad knee or hip. Hopefully this improves the experience for everyone at this particular Walmart.

Thoughts

So I awoke early this morning, so that I could ensure that I could go to Fran's and have breakfast. I went and ate, and then returned to the hotel with plenty of time to spare. I thought hey, why don't I make a blog? Again. I had written the previous post (Social Distortion) last night as just a way of getting things out, and thought that I should really put an effort into trying to stay on top of it. So, again, I decided to publish a blog.

I wonder if my friends or family will ever see this or not. I am not worried about friends, as whatever, but I am still not "out" to my family. I am sure that they assume, and have felt that way for some time, but there is no verification or denial for them to work with.

I have decided that I really don't care. As I near thirty, I realize that I live in an age where who you are is not who you sleep with, so I am not overly concerned if someone stumbles upon my secret. I know; all of you out and prouders think that it's shameful that I don't tell my family, and to you, I say FUCK OFF! They are my family, and if I want to tell them; it is MY decision. Not yours. I recently had someone tell me that they met someone who wouldn't go out with them because they are still closeted. Get off your fucking high horse! Just because your family is warm and accepting and tickles each other until they throw up on a regular basis does not mean that everyone else's is. Respect that, or get lost.

Anyways, my time in TO is drawing to a close, and I still have to pack everything away nice and neat so I can check out. Hope you liked the rant.

Social Distortion

I recently attended a training session which required me to spend a night alone in downtown Toronto. There were no friends available for me to go out with, and I felt that going to the bar and hanging out there would be virtually cheating on my boyfriend. As a larger than your average gay, I know that the majority of gay men are not going to fawn over me, so I usually don't pay a whole lot of attention to others, except when I see a nicely packaged ass in a pair of jeans, or a well put together man with what I like to call butter eyes. By this, I mean that when your eyes meet, they have the power to turn you to butter. There are not many of those in the world, but I seem to find a lot of them.

Back to the point. While I was out and about all on my own, I decided to walk through the village and surrounding area. I had made up my mind that I would be dining at Zelda's for dinner, as I have always made them a stop on any TO tour that is even remotely close to the village. Here is where the story gets interesting.

I have a delightful server, who attends to me right away. When asked for my beverage order, I remembered a drink that I had there previously, but could not remember what it was called. My server went out of his way to try and help me figure this out, and eventually suggested a drink that sounded similar. When in Rome, so they say, so I said “sound's good.” While it was not the drink I was thinking of, it was good. I did remember the drinks later on; Ursula's Hiatus, and Screaming Queen; for those of you wanting to know.

While I was dining, I looked around a lot, since I was alone. I felt awkward every time that I looked in the direction of my server, because he always seemed to be looking at me, and whenever we made eye contact and he was nearby, he would ask if all was OK. I know that he really wasn't looking at me, but at the street, as I was sitting in front of the window. My point is that I was so uncomfortable within myself, that I felt that I should just leave. I wonder if anyone else has this feeling on a regular basis?

Later in the evening, I ventured out of the hotel again; this time in search of a chocolate fix. I opted to again go through the village, as I am familiar with the area, and can satisfy my sweet tooth for eye candy. As I passed Flatirons, I thought that I would take a look at what they had, as I really do enjoy looking at all of the campy items that one can accumulate by going to such a store.

I was the only customer in the place, and the clerk was a few years older than I. Possibly 8-10 years if we want to get right to it. He was quite friendly and at first seemed to come on a little strong. I thought for sure that I would not be able to leave until I purchased an entire set of miniatures from The Wizard of Oz, or the entire set of December Diamonds, but luckily, the phone rang. I continued to peruse the store, and I realized they carried a brand of shirt that I have always wanted, but not the size that I wished. I asked the clerk, who introduced himself as Mike, if he had any other sizes in this particular garment. Well, this lead to a ten or fifteen minute dialogue that at one point turned almost flirtatious. I knew that I needed to be wary of my words, as I really have no intention of pursuing anything with anyone other than my other half, but I thought what the hell. Normally I would have done my best to end the conversation and make an exit asap, but this time I played along for a bit, joking about the slogans on the shirts and how they could be taken several different ways.

Finally, I decided that it was time to go. What I should have done was excuse myself and leave, but I felt guilty for not buying anything, as I had been there for about half and hour. The shirt I really wanted was one size smaller than I would normally buy, but it looked a little big. I know better than anyone that if it is not the right size, it is not going to fit, but I bought it anyway.

Is it my lack of experience in the gay scene that causes these awkward social moments for me? Is it my physical shape (round)? Or is simply neurosis that causes me to over analyze every situation I encounter, and make into some sort of issue? If you can figure it out, let me know.